THE CLOWNIES
Long before anyone remembers why the restaurants were built, the Clownies were already serving.
Their glowing signs pierce the smog of the Fast Food Nation like greasy beacons of hope. Their restaurants promise hot meals, cold shakes, cheap toys, and the comforting reassurance that someone, somewhere, is having a birthday whether they like it or not.
The Clownies believe happiness isn't an emotion. It's a brand standard.
Under the watchful grin of their Manager, Jack, this brightly colored corporate carnival has transformed customer service into something resembling organized warfare. Their Associates charge into the Hangry Games armed with oversized kitchen implements, weaponized restaurant equipment, questionable safety training, and enough enthusiasm to make Human Resources deeply uncomfortable.
On the battlefield, the Clownies embrace speed, disruption, provocation, and glorious unpredictability. They don't necessarily need a good plan. They just need their opponent's plan to become significantly worse.
So straighten your paper hat, wipe that mysterious stain off your uniform, and remember the Clownies' most important employee policy:
If you're not smiling, Jack will give you something to smile about.
Meet the crew
JACK
Manager • The Man Behind the Smile
Nobody remembers interviewing Jack.
Nobody remembers hiring Jack.
According to Corporate, however, Jack has been Manager of the Month for 347 consecutive months, and questioning the accuracy of that number is considered a performance issue.
Jack presides over his franchise with the theatrical enthusiasm of a children's television host and the managerial instincts of a small-time dictator. Every shift is a celebration. Every battle is a team-building exercise. Every complaint is an opportunity to demonstrate the Clownies' legendary commitment to customer satisfaction.
When the situation becomes too much for his Associates to handle, someone inevitably asks to Talk to the Manager.
That's when Jack clocks in.
And that's when everyone else starts looking for the exit.
"Turn that frown upside down. This is not a suggestion."
TRIXIE
Runner • Express Service With Impact
Some Runners deliver food.
Trixie delivers consequences.
Fast, aggressive, and apparently incapable of understanding the phrase "appropriate workplace velocity," Trixie rockets across the battlefield with her signature Tenderizers ready to turn whoever she reaches into today's manager's special.
Her philosophy is simple: get there first, hit hard, and be somewhere else before anyone finishes filling out the incident report.
Customers occasionally ask why the Clownies employ someone like Trixie.
Those customers usually stop asking questions.
"You wanted that to go, right?"
RONNIE
Kitchen Krew • The Grill Is Always Hot
Behind every successful Clownies restaurant is a hardworking member of the Kitchen Krew.
Several feet behind them is usually Ronnie, holding something sharp.
Ronnie has spent enough time behind the counter to know that everything can be improved with the proper application of heat, steel, and deeply questionable food-safety practices. He's a close-quarters specialist who treats the battlefield like an especially busy lunch rush: orders pile up, tempers flare, and eventually somebody gets chopped.
Ronnie doesn't distinguish much between food preparation and combat.
Neither does his equipment.
"If it fits on the cutting board, I can prep it."
MAC BEEFCAKE
Mascot • 100% Grade-A Entertainment
Part mascot. Part meat. All Beefcake.
Mac Beefcake is what happens when a corporate marketing department asks children what they love about hamburgers and then gives the resulting drawings to a laboratory instead of an illustrator.
Technically, Mac exists to promote the Clownies' commitment to wholesome family entertainment. In practice, he stomps around the battlefield as an enormous slab of weaponized brand recognition, disrupting enemies while enthusiastically representing the nutritional cornerstone of the franchise.
The children love him.
The children have also been instructed not to ask whether he's cooked.
"Where's the beef? Buddy, you're lookin' at it."
GRAHAM & GIMMIE
Security • Loss Prevention Has Two Mouths
The Clownies take the safety of their customers, employees, and proprietary dipping sauces extremely seriously.
That's why they hired Graham & Gimmie.
Graham provides the muscle. Gimmie provides the commentary. Together, they form one stitched-together monument to corporate loss prevention that is extremely effective at keeping unwanted guests away from restricted areas.
Or wanted guests.
Or employees.
Really, once Graham & Gimmie are guarding something, Corporate generally considers it easier to simply abandon the building.
Nobody knows whether Gimmie is a puppet, parasite, second employee, or an unusually vocal workplace injury.
Graham isn't telling.
Gimmie won't stop telling.
Gimmie: "HE LOOKED SUSPICIOUS!"Graham: "He was delivering the buns."
HANNAH BURGLAR
Cashier • Your Change Is Probably Around Here Somewhere.
The Clownies insist every Cashier greet customers with a smile.
Hannah Burglar prefers a smirk.
Quick-witted, light-fingered, and suspiciously interested in whatever you've left unattended, Hannah works the Clownies register like it's part checkout counter, part confidence game. She can ring up a Happy Meal, short-change a rival, swipe something shiny, and have you thanking her for the excellent service before you realize your wallet feels lighter.
Her talent for finding loopholes extends well beyond the register. Hannah studies people the way other Cashiers study the menu board, waiting for the perfect opening to exploit a weakness, cause a distraction, and disappear before anyone knows what happened.
When customer service finally breaks down, she reaches for Ka-Powie!—because sometimes the quickest way to resolve a complaint is to make sure the customer forgets what they were complaining about.
Corporate has investigated Hannah seventeen times.
She handled the paperwork.
All seventeen investigations were mysteriously closed.
“Would you like your receipt, or should we both pretend this transaction never happened?”
BLACK SKULL
PR Enforcer • Protecting the Brand at Any Cost
Sometimes a situation becomes too serious for Security.
Sometimes it becomes too ugly for the Manager.
Sometimes the words "public relations catastrophe" appear in an email marked URGENT.
That's when the Clownies send Black Skull.
As the franchise's PR Enforcer, Black Skull is a sub-boss charged with defending the reputation of the Clownies through crisis management, intimidation, and the occasional aggressive reinterpretation of the phrase damage control.
Where Jack manages the franchise, Black Skull protects what it represents.
And behind the character is someone very real to Hangry Games.
Black Skull was created as a tribute to a beloved member of our painting and gaming community who passed away unexpectedly. He was there from the beginning, playing through every strange incarnation of Hangry Games as it grew into the game it is today. Of all the franchises, the Clownies were his favorite.
When we decided each franchise needed a PR Enforcer—a powerful sub-boss capable of adding even more chaos to the battlefield—there was only one person who felt right for the Clownies.
So Black Skull joined the payroll permanently.
Not simply as another character, but as part of the world he helped us build.
"The brand isn't in danger. The danger works for the brand."
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN THE TEAM?
The Clownies are always accepting applications.*
Benefits include competitive Doh!, flexible scheduling, complimentary employee meals, advancement opportunities, and absolutely no explanation regarding what happened to your predecessor.
Pick up your Cutlery. Clock in your Associates. Protect the Joint.
And whatever happens…
KEEP. SMILING.
THE CLOWNIESMillions Served. Thousands Survived.
^(Employment may be permanent. Terms and conditions subject to change without notice. The Clownies are not responsible for loss of limbs, Doh!, dignity, appetite, consciousness, or faith in the Golden One.)
